Exoskeleton.

Forgive me for I have sinned. I have gone to a dark place in my introspection, and just got out of the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" which has caused me nosedive into an emotional wreck and has motivated me to go into this funky space of social oversharing.


I have always been known to be an overthinker.  And not just an overthinker, but I analyze things to death, I see things in black in white, and have a hard time accepting things that I cannot control. I am impulsive and almost always lead with my heart. Like a true Gemini, I am in a constant pull of emotional self and logical self.  I'm either attracting or resisting, and live a total contradiction of being. Usually I scoff at people who pour their heart out on social media, exposing their souls to the world wide web, but sometimes, it feels good to break my socially programmed rules of social media etiquette.  I've always been rebellious by nature. I will also take this typed word vomit as good lesson on not judging people.

Well blog land... I am getting a divorce. A big, fat, ugly, heartbreaking, soul crushing, divorce.  What an ugly word.  Lately, my head has been in a spin, my heart is still grieving, my emotions have been to every place in the spectrum and I need to remind myself that. things. are. going. to. be. ok.

It's hard to completely reprogram and redefine yourself.  To build yourself from Ground Zero. It's hard to leave what is comfortable and familiar, even when you know that your situation is not in your highest good. It's hard to know that you aren't going to be in a good heart space for a long time.  And accept that.  It's hard to know when to stop fighting, it's hard to know whether you are leaving because of fear, or because it's necessary. Emotions are just confusing.  One minute I feel strong, the next I'm brought to my knees.   Little things trigger the most unlikely of responses these days.   Another lesson on non-attachment, letting go and being ok being alone. (which I fail miserably at)

I am a hypersensitive as it is.. And I've been withdrawing and disconnecting from everything that makes me feel.  I've been getting lost in school, work, fantasy worlds created by authors penned on typewritten pages.. But I need to come back.  I need to be done hiding.  I need to face my emotions and not distract myself with things that fill my void of this loss.

It's hard to love someone enough to give yourself in your entirety to, only to feel... short changed.  You feel stupid, duped, tricked... and like a failure.  I need to learn how to forgive.  Not only forgive him, but forgive myself. I need to be easier on myself.  Watching that candle slowly burn out, and now you're left with the jar as an empty reminder of what was.  

I'm starting to move forward in this existence.  For the first time in awhile, I am really feeling.... OK though.  I'm starting to feel... Hope... again.   Sometimes I am in denial, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm lonely and resentful, but I will be ok.  I'm starting to regain my power, and enter back into a good heart space.  Life is beautiful.  I am truly blessed with a fantastic family, fantastic friends and life keeps getting better.  It is easy to get sucked into the negative, but it is darkest just before the dawn.  Personal growth never occurs in times of ease.

I suppose that's all for now. PS, I still love my cats, and I may turn asexual and am retired from dating.